This was first published my other website October 2012. Following World Kindness Day, I thought it was appropriate.
Some time ago I had an interaction with a supervisor that lead to a revealing exchange. The organization I was with at the time had been through dispiriting financial times and employee morale was low. We were working hard to find ways to connect with employees and to kick-start engagement, trust and resiliency. It was hard work and emotionally draining because I was so committed to the process and outcome of creating a better work environment for everyone.
On one occasion I was particularly tired. I had an intense conversation with my colleagues, and as a result, I let loose of a groundswell of tears. Unfortunately, my supervisor was there. She was new to our organization, and I’m sure she was wondering why I was so emotional.
Later we had a discussion, and she told me I was too nice–that I was HR and I should be firm and she shook her fist. This was not a compliment, rather an executive indictment. She nearly believed at that time that I was not leadership material because of one emotional 5 minute scene, and she told me so.
That was not the first time I was told I was too nice. I was interviewed by an educational institution—twice. I wanted the job very badly, and I was a finalist. When I met with the President, her feedback was that I was too nice, and I was not offered the job. About a year and a half later, the person they hired didn’t work out. They called me and asked me to apply. I did. Again, I was finalist. Again, I did not get the job. They said I didn’t demonstrate the firmness that they wanted to see. Too nice again.
So, what the heck is wrong with being nice? Why is it shameful to be too nice? Why isn’t the first thought, “Wow! An authentic leader who is nice person and can do the job?” I’ve read a couple of blogs lately that talk about being nice and kind. Those bloggers, like me, feel that there is a value in being nice because in business, we are too detached, too goal driven, and too action-biased, to take time to connect with people. It’s sad, because one small act of kindness and/or niceness can connect us deeply, and connection helps us to be seen and to be heard.
I actually love that others can see the niceness in me, because sometimes I don’t feel so nice. When I am asked to work with a client when they have to fire someone or discipline an employee, I don’t feel nice. I do, however, feel compassion. I know that no matter what an employee did to lose their job, it’s still an unforgiving job market. I know that if I don’t feel something when I let employees go, then I better start looking for a career. I like feeling compassion and empathy, and I like the fact that I am nice. I would rather hire one excellent nice person than 3 excellent detached hard people. Because when you are nice, you make space for others to be nice.
As a leader, demonstrating compassion and empathy motivates others to do the same. During a time when simple Facebook updates become battlegrounds for judgment and disagreement, showing a little niceness will go a long way.
November 20, 2013
P.S. Being kind is powerful. I find my power in my ability to connect and be kind and I’m quite certain that most of you would agree.